May 14, 2016

strange and magical.

It feels like I only just found out I was expecting a baby... and now I'm nearly seven months pregnant. Time has maybe never moved so quickly, and it's been surreal to watch the days, weeks, and months tick by as my bump grows and Radley's office slowly but surely transforms into a nursery.

Strange and magical, that's how these last few months have felt. It's the sort of chapter you can never quite prepare yourself for, and although I'm not exactly the type to love getting out of my comfort zone, it's actually been really powerful and energizing to step into something so new. The big questions keep coming to mind: Who am I bringing into this world? Who will I be as a mother? What do I want for this life, and for this family we're creating? How the hell am I going to pull this off?

It's been a while since I knew I was on the edge of something with a big, brand-new chapter right around the corner. That's the feeling you get when you're about to graduate from college, when you're preparing to move to a new city, when you're planning a wedding: You know that you're at a tipping point of sorts, and that soon life will be sorted into befores and afters. You're fully, thrillingly, sometimes frighteningly aware that a giant shift is on the horizon, and all you can do is prepare to move through it. All you can do is envision the other side — and know that it may not look at all like whatever you have in mind.

There have been moments when this feeling has scared me (going to college) and others when I just plain relished in it (getting married), and this time I'm definitely leaning toward the latter. I can't wait to be a mom, and to see Radley as a dad, and to build a bigger life for us. It's the best, most terrifying thing I've ever done, and although I can't exactly be ready for it, I can walk toward it with open arms. I can choose to welcome it in. And isn't that sometimes the hardest part?