October 29, 2013

a beginning.

I've always been afraid of endings. I dodge them, avoid them — find any excuse to hold on to what comes before the end. It's a habit of sorts, and I'll do just about anything to put the pieces of my life on a forever timeline. My fear feels most obvious, most tangible, in the way that I read books. I dive into a narrative headfirst, moving through the pages as quickly as I can, engrossed, only to stop at the final chapter and wait days, weeks even, until I read those final pages. I cling to the hope that's found in what if?

Much of my life has felt permanent. My family has lived in the same house since I was born, my friends have been the same since before preschool, and I've never known a friend to move away. So much of what I know is linked, the different corners of my life connected because I've made a conscious effort to connect them. My past and my present feel blurred together, and there's comfort, I think, in those ties, in the way that they erase time, making then and now and later feel not so far apart.

In the past, rather than let a friendship or a relationship or a phase of my life come to an end, I'd force it to shift shape and evolve into something different, more manageable, never quite willing to let it go, even when that may have been easier. And I wonder, sometimes, where that comes from — why goodbye can feel so drenched in dread. I'm grateful to love someone who embraces black-and-white endings, the finality of knowing what is and what isn't. Radley's fearless and sure in that way. But me, I've found that I'm most comfortable lingering in the gray area, the murky space where hope and maybe seem to live.

All this is to say that I've been wrong. Because some things don't belong in the world of forever, and that's a good thing. Endings, for what it's worth, can actually be quite freeing, because endings are opportunities, springboards toward something new. And so maybe, all this time, what I've really feared wasn't reaching the end, but deciding what's next: a beginning.


HayleySF said... [Reply to comment]

I never leave comments - but I do read your blog when you post :) I'm one of the silent ones. But,your post today made me think of this video. I hope you like it - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdJ6aUB2K4g

Maura said... [Reply to comment]

beautifully written, as always!

LuLu said... [Reply to comment]

And there I stood, on the verge of an imminent paradigm shift. And you were there, too. I am glad I came today.

Breakfast After 10

Tammy @ Lemons, Avocados and the Bay said... [Reply to comment]

Such wise words. :)
I think learning to accept endings is part of growing up too. It's finally realizing that things really don't last forever, and sometimes that's okay.

Niken said... [Reply to comment]

i think i'm kind of embracing and fearing beginning and ending in their own ways. sometimes i'm afraid and i feel so sad when something about to end. but some other times, the beginning can be a frightening thing too, isn't it? and i'm bad at saying goodbyes

elizabeth shay said... [Reply to comment]

So beautifully written and well described, I connected and related so much to this...and it gave me hope to the unknown and to beginnings.

Beginnings can be exciting once we open ourselves up to them :)

Katie Appleyard said... [Reply to comment]

It is so refreshing to read that somebody else doesn't want their books to end. My best friend was going mad at me because I refused to let 'To Kill a Mockingbird' end. I left 20 pages to go for about a month, because I knew I was going to grieve for that book.

Great post :)

Sweet Apple Lifestyle

Laura Marie Meyers said... [Reply to comment]

@HayleySF Hayley, I LOVE this video... Just sent it to about 10 other friends, thank you so much for sharing! Glad you commented :)

Laura Marie Meyers said... [Reply to comment]

@Katie Appleyard Exaaactly! :)

Darianne said... [Reply to comment]

Your writting is always wonderful! Love reading them :D


Magdalena Paulino said... [Reply to comment]

Your writing is always so refreshing.


Sincerely Cybill said... [Reply to comment]

This was beautifully written. It reminds me of something from T.S. Eliot. "For last year's words belong to last year's language. And next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning."

Anna V said... [Reply to comment]

Such a beautiful post Laura! x

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