June 22, 2012

something lasting.

I've been dreaming of doors lately. Doors, hallways, knobs — both familiar and otherwise. I dreamt that I was locking my college dorm door, that I couldn't open my high school locker, that the door to my childhood closet kept opening and closing on its own.

I know, I know, the symbolism is obvious. All these starts and stops, beginnings and endings. It's just something about your 20s, though, isn't it? These tend to be the transition years, the here-to-there years.  There's so much passing through during this time, so much arriving and leaving. Schools, jobs, cities, relationships — there's so much movement. A lack of permanence.

When I talk to other friends in this phase — this shifting, stirring stage — it seems that all of us are just trying to steady ourselves. To anchor ourselves to something still, something lasting.

I dreamt of my old summer camp cabin, the rickety wooden door to Cedar Lodge that squeaked on its rusted hinges. The metal screen curled back on itself, copper and covered in dust, while nails poked out in all the wrong places. It was the same wooden door that campers had built decades earlier — nothing at camp was ever replaced unnecessarily. It closed, it opened: The door was fine.

I dreamt that I opened the door to Cedar Lodge and found hundreds and hundreds of pastel-colored feathers falling from the ceiling. Pale pink and yellow and tangerine — sunset shades that looked strange and out of place against the dark, damp wood. They fell in big, soft clumps, but I couldn't seem to catch them in my hands. The feathers kept falling through.

All this is to say that... well, actually, I'm not really sure. Dreams and doors and years and feathers — nothing of it quite makes sense. Nothing obvious, anyway. Hope, maybe? Promise? Faith?

I'll settle on those for now. Hope and promise, faith.
That's what seems to carry us through all these starts and stops, isn't it?

(Photo: My Flickr)


Bethany said... [Reply to comment]

Your dreams sounds lovely. Mine this week, on the other hand, have been dark and sad - a mighty struggle with my own transitions and closed doors that I wish were still open.

Maria said... [Reply to comment]

Your dreams sound wonderful and crazy at the same time! Hopefully things will settle down soon and you'll stop thinking about doors!

Allie said... [Reply to comment]

this really hit home! im in the midst of MAJOR transitioning and decision-making and youre right when you write that all of us in our early 20s are in the same boat. there's so much constantly changing and while part of me is just dying to stabilize myself the other part of me just wants to run run run and adventure for the next couples of years and enjoy the unknown. i guess a little bit of both wouldn't be a bad thing, right?