March 8, 2012

a well of contradictions.

I have this good-but-also-not-so-good quality: I'm outrageously, unbelievably, hyper self-aware. I know all of my strengths, yes, but boy do I know my weaknesses, too. I could number them off on each of my fingers once, twice, three times through.

I'm both youngest-child selfish and selfless to a fault, both quick to snap and so passive it sometimes borders on apathy. A person who worries about things that happened, things that didn't happen, things that could happen or should happen. In other words: an anxious wreck. I love too quickly, too deeply, and I take far too long to forget, although forgiveness is inevitable thanks to my overactive conscience.

I sink easily into guilt like quicksand and hold myself to standards so high that it's nearly impossible to feel "done" with anything. I drink caffeine every day and eat too much peanut butter and can't tell the difference between an acquaintance and a best friend. I've forgotten the subjunctive form of French.

And yet... Some of these faults I might change, sure, but others? Others I'd leave exactly as they are, messy as they may be. I'm a well of contradictions—aren't we all?—and I find that I'm drawn to others who, like me, recognize in themselves both the good and the bad, the beautiful and the sort of terrible. I'm tugged toward those who can laugh off their failings and speak honestly about their successes without sounding boastful. I'm fascinated by mismatched, unexpected personalities.

Funny how self-acceptance seems to creep up on you, isn't it?

(Photo: My Instagram)


Nikskie said... [Reply to comment]

i give my self a high standard too in what i do.

contradictions. i think we all have it in our personality. and like usual, you can always address the subject in the most simple and beautiful way. always love your writing. tell me when your book published :)

Sam | ashore said... [Reply to comment]

It's contradictions like this that make great characters in books and movies - the ones that seem real, that have depth, and that we relate to. As hard as it is, I try to remember, that the same things that make great characters (a tendency to forget their house keys in the flower isle at Whole Foods and not realize until their standing at their front door back home, maybe?) are also the ones that make great people.

Laura Marie said... [Reply to comment]

@Sam | ashore So wish I could "Like" your comment!

Elizabeth and Kyle @ Love Is the Adventure said... [Reply to comment]

I think this is what makes you so strong and so unique. And it's what makes me want to read your blog!

toytulip said... [Reply to comment]

I love the way you write!! :D

Hilary Anna said... [Reply to comment]

wow, amazing post! I love when bloggers are totally open about this stuff. I would just like to say that I totally hear you on the "drink caffeine every day and eat too much peanut butter"! I eat peanut butter by the spoonfuls and drink coffee every day. Who cares! If we enjoy it, who is to say not to do it? :)

Rachael said... [Reply to comment]

Yeah, I am definitely self aware! I wish I wasn't so much, because it always gets in the way of me enjoying the moment sometimes! Grr.
I have to work on this!

RetreatingAndAdvancing said... [Reply to comment]

Sounds like we have the same weaknesses! Great post!

Kelly said... [Reply to comment]

I love everything about this post. Thank you for sharing!

Sarah McCabe said... [Reply to comment]

Oh dear, I too am painfully, horribly self-aware. And I overanalyze every aspect/experience in my life until I can find some sort of existential meaning from it all. Sometimes I wish I could just let myself be. But of course, then I wouldn't be my mental self, now would I?