December 21, 2011

on changing. and not.

Last week, a friend kindly reached out to say how happy she is that I found Radley. How clearly and brilliantly he's added to my life. I asked how I'm different—in what ways I've changed—expecting to hear that I'm more content or satisfied, that I'm calmer or just a bit less crazy.

I thought of all the changes I've seen in myself, all the tiny ways that he's affected me. I thought of the coffee habit and the different foods he's introduced. The songs he's shared and the passions he's made me part of. I thought of the ease and the effortless joy he's slowly but surely passed on, the rationality and the fearlessness and the utter lack of anxiety.

I remembered myself before, the uncertainty, the tangible insecurities. In quick flashes I remembered the pattern of hope and heartbreak and the careful caution that inevitably followed. I remembered the trusting innocence, the wild inhibition and self-consciousness, the occasional theatrics.

And I realized, gladly, that I loved that girl, too. That the me-before-Radley is still part of me now. That she helps me navigate this world every day with all the mistakes she made, all the lessons she learned. I realized that I'd be lost without her, and for a moment I allowed myself the space to miss her.

My friend's response surprised me in the best of ways. She laughed. "How has he changed you? Laura," she said, "he hasn't changed you at all, not really. Didn't you hear me? He's added to you. It's as if he's put a spotlight on the truest, best you that's always been there."

And I was sort of speechless. Because to me, that's exactly how love should be. Love should be two separate people who don't lose themselves in each other—don't become one entirely different person, but simply the same two people at their very love-filled best. The very best part of their befores.

15 comments:

Katherine Krieg said... [Reply to comment]

absolutely love this little tale - "simply the same two people at their very love-filled best" = positively brilliant
you have an incredibly soothing but yet inspiring way with your words - please keep it up!

sarah said... [Reply to comment]

probably the best thing a friend can say about you and your love, seriously. it's the way love should be, and the best way others can see you. have a wonderful holiday xo!

sea to shining port said... [Reply to comment]

Couldn't have said it better myself, really.

:)

Caitlin

missy. said... [Reply to comment]

that is darling.

Mateus Lopes said... [Reply to comment]

you're a really good writer!!! hope someday i can read a book from you :)

Rachael said... [Reply to comment]

That is so wonderful to read! That's exactly what I think love is, and should be. You're lucky you found it!

*D* said... [Reply to comment]

i love this post! and i completely agree with you. that is how love should be!

Ana Magdalena said... [Reply to comment]

that is the best thing a friend can say about you and your relationship.

meg fee said... [Reply to comment]

oh laura, this is just so beautiful. so exactly spot on. what a lucky girl you are to have found him (and him you) and to have a friend who would respond in such a way.

Barbara said... [Reply to comment]

You have such a brilliant way of wording things!

whatevergatsby said... [Reply to comment]

i cannot believe i am just now stumbling on to your blog. i wish i had done it sooner, as i'm kind of smitten! this post was so so sweet. thank you so much for sharing, dear. xo

pbbrittany said... [Reply to comment]

this is beautiful. It gave me goosebumps!!

T.RIPPY said... [Reply to comment]

A delightful read. So happy for you.

T.RIPPY said... [Reply to comment]

A delightful read. So happy for you.

skippysays said... [Reply to comment]

Aw, this is so incredibly sweet! So glad you found someone who brings out the best in you, and feel so lucky to have done so myself as well :)
http://www.saysskippy.blogspot.com