April 6, 2011

on learning to follow your inner compass.

I'm terrible at making decisions. No, really--one of the worst.

The problem is that I see both sides. Of everything. Always. And this isn't even an exaggeration, either. It's true: I'm perpetually, inevitably torn. So when big decisions roll around--the kind that can change my life course, alter my destiny, and quite possibly reshape life as I know it? Well, folks, anxiety doesn't even cover it.

I find myself making list after list, panicked and flustered as I weigh the pros and cons. But what if... And then I could... How about I... But, but, but--on and on, for as long as my mind can stand it, until I finally throw up my hands and say Enough.

And when I reach that enough place--the eventual breaking point where I decide that my sanity is seriously at stake--I realize that I simply have to choose. To choose based on my gut, on my heart, on that tiny little voice that finds the strength to whisper only when all hope feels lost. And then, after choosing, comes the really difficult part--the aftermath, the quiet hours when the weight of a decision can fully sink in. 

It's ongoing, that challenging aftermath. It involves re-choosing, day after day, and accepting the fact that either way--no matter which path you'd picked--you would have been forced to look back and wonder regardless. If you'd settled on A, you would have wondered about B. If you'd opted for B, you would suddenly remember A's appeal. 

Such is life. Such is choosing. And yet--how wonderful it is, and how lucky we must feel, for having a choice in the first place.

(Photo: TW Collins)


Ana* said... [Reply to comment]

Making those big life changing decisions is what defines adulthood... the fact that we have choices alone is more than refreshing.

Danielle said... [Reply to comment]

Beautifully said! I see both sides of a decision too...sometimes it's a blessing and other times it's a curse.

Caroline said... [Reply to comment]

Your posts and words are always so beautiful!!!!!!!!

BeautyBabiex said... [Reply to comment]

love the way you've worded this, so lovely :)



Queena Corrina said... [Reply to comment]

decisions, decisions, decisions. I hate all kinds, especialy the ones that make me chose sides, yeah, i'm not good at these things...


Holly said... [Reply to comment]

You should read the book 'Celestine Prophesy'- it's a bit wacky at first, but it follows a man who is faced with coincidence after coincidence, which leads him to various events that wouldn't have occurred had he not followed his heart. The gist of the story is that while we do have free will, we also have destiny. We can choose our path, but ultimately we will end up in spot(s) that we are meant to end up, no matter what. After reading it, I became more aware of certain 'coincidences' (like running into the same old friend twice in 1 week, seeing someone reading a book you just finished & feeling the urge to comment, etc etc) and instead of just blowing them off, I think about what potential doors could be opened if I took advantage of it. Check it out if you have time! It'll affect your views on decision making :)

Betsey said... [Reply to comment]

awesome post - I am the exact same way!

Allie said... [Reply to comment]

Honestly, everything you say rings so true. I am THE WORST at making decision. Especially now, when I have to make one of the biggest ones-where to spend my next four years. (aka which college to attend.)

Rachael said... [Reply to comment]

You have pretty much described me!!I have trouble making decisons on everything!! I wish I didn't! It'd make a lot of things less stressful!!

nataya said... [Reply to comment]

woow, so its not only me..... So i guess it is life, always about choosing and decisions, i have had lot trouble with this. And such big big life changing. Seems finally I will end up nothing wrong to choose anything. All has risk. I remember when i was a little girl i have kind of syndrome that i have to choose the 'right' clothes that may lead to the nice destiny in the future! So silly? Thanks for sharing